Receive.

(11.20.09)
You were always more like twine,
Wrapping yourself around my neck.

So thin you had seemed innocuous
To my gullible eyes,

But once you had enclosed my airway
I was forsaken to eradicate your embrace.

In Death

(11.09.09)

I crept along the wall

Positive the shadows would conceal me

From the eyes of a hundred

Passers-by

Who knew not what I am here to do.

My shoes provide the silence

With a click

Clack

That resonates and makes my heart thump harder.

I feel the cool paper

Against my back,

And I imagine the swirls

And dips

And paisley prints

Are reaching out

To caress my skin as I slither

Through the hallways,

Missing lights and

Missing sounds

That do not resonate my heart.

There is a room

That glows a sullen blue

At the end of the hall,

And inside I imagine

Would be cooler

Than my favorite drink.

I will find

A mirror that will not reflect the image

Of the man I have become,

But remind me of all

The things I should have been.

A chair with a black cushion

Would hold on to me,

So tight

To assure the world that I am

Just where I am needed to be.

The halls are silent,

No breezes creeping slowly,

No stifled whispers

That reach out to pull me back

To the places I used to sneak.

In there, I can find myself

Wrapped in a dull blanket,

Cocooned by walls of blue,

And I will find peace,

Concealed inside a place

Where no one knows
Who I was meant to be.

Waiting for Repairs

(11.07.09)
I purged myself repeatedly
Because you had filled
Me up so heavily and your eyes
Were made of an amber
I could not,
At once,
Forget,
But forgive me of my trespasses.

You were the only one I loved.

Denial

(11.07.09)
Collapse into me
Again and again.
I don't want to love like that.
It should remain
As passionate
As it had been before
So that all will know
Time does not mean anything
Because it's all just like
A lake
For us to swim.
Drowning is always an option
For those of us left to float
And
Be adrift all on our own.
Down falls,
To rivers,
And back to the lake once more.

Bypass

(11.07.09)
Could you survive if I
Press panic
Or would you fall to your knees
Like a lackluster hero?
He was made of chimney soot
And deviled eggs,
Laid to waste upon my sheets.
His rotten body, lying close to mine.
So close I could not breathe
Myself back into me.
He wore a face of a
Hallmark clown
To hide all of his thoughts beneath.
But, I remember what it is to
Walk away
From a life that tried
to pull me under currents,
But I have always been able to
Hold on to shores.

Never Will

(10.13.09)
Everything I ever wanted
Was never made for me.
Its a gift I give to others.
To give my dreams
To those who don't even know
They were mine all along.

It's Not So Bad.

Sensible, I'd
think it was the way.
Your heart grew claws
that latched on to my skin
and I wore your obsession
like an overcoat that smells like
mothballs because I was ashamed
to wear it for so long.

And I wrote you
eighty page love notes filled with
all of my nonsensical prose just
so you'd never know exactly
what it is I dream.

And at night I'd pretend
you're lying next to me, a warm
presence for a stiff like me.
And for once my cheeks
would be rose and my
eyes a little lighter,
but in the morning
you're never there
and I am only
human
once again.

Creer

(10.05.09)
And I swear to God
I’m nothing like I used to be,
Covered in scars and razor-marks
The likes your band-aids
Would never cover.
And I am not the person
That you fell in love with
While we spouted Spanish
Adjectives
We found amusing at 16.
And I hold loneliness
Closer to my half-beating
Heart
Than I used to do in greater days.
You didn’t see me walk along the line
Where one side held
Hope and betrayal
And the other brought madness
And excitement to my door.
You didn’t see the battle
Raging every night inside my head.
You only saw the tears I blamed on other things.
So I hope you know
I’m not the one you think you love.
I’m only talented
In changing masks
At all of the right times.

Boy.

I wish that you would say
Lovely is a perfect word
That shoots its way across your mind
Every time you think of me.

Dust.

(09.14.09)
All these people who see me
They don't know who they are.
Everyone's staring in the mirror,
Watching faces fall apart.
I saw a picture looking back,
Hanging high up on a wall.
She whispers to me, with her eyes,
That I, alone, am just
A piece of a large puzzle and
She stares at me and mocks me
With a sneer and not a smile.
She watches me berating
Any fault I can recall.
I'm breaking all my mirrors
Forcing myself not to know
That when I think I see the truth
I barely know a thing at all.

Barbed Wire Run Around

(08.31.09)
Bright lights
caress the city.
Beauty in it's watchful eyes.
Hold me down
and make me witness
Such dangerous intent in what
You meant when you told me
that you loved me.
Like sunshine floating over my skin.
I'm too pale for this.
I need fluorescence and
Grossly clean white tiles
to put me at ease.
Don't put smudges on my world.
I need to paint a mask on
all of this
Before
I step into the sunshine.
Don't let me burn.

Pieces.

(08.29.09)
I want to believe in
A dream that means more
to me than textbook answers.
I don't feel my heart is in my life.
---
I wish I could rent a billboard
to throw my thoughts upon.
Then no one has to ask me how
I really feel because
Everyone who drives by would know
how scared I feel inside.
---
I think I wish I could
create a masterpiece
to give the world.
---
I don't think I cry enough to try.
---
Where am I going?
-Nowhere I intended to be.
---
I close my eyes
Count to ten
Then back to one.
Never enough time
To settle my mind.
---
I wish I still painted pictures with words.
---
Lost inside
my own demands.
---

Am Ill Ion.

(082709)

I swear it feels as if

I walked along a road for quite some time

And didn’t really know which way I should be headed

But kept on walking

Anyway.

And I think my mind went blank a few miles back

And I hurried to make memories

That would last me lifetime

But not matter a day.

And I put my heart into things

I really don’t know

Only to come out with an understanding

That myself is not what matters

To another.

And some days I look at the sky

And I think there must be something wonderful

Waiting for me there,

Because I like to think it’s all a miracle

And we’re all indespensible

In a way that makes us real

To someone so intangible.

I want to shake the world awake

And tell everyone that it’s okay

To not know which way to go,

But to keep on going anyway.

Some Kind of Decoy

(06.27.09)
Do you know what you do?
I think you may,
I wish you'd see
The hurricane inside.
Do you know what lies
In the space between
My smile and my heart.
I wish you'd know
Just how I seem to tremble
At the storm you've brought my way.
I swear, if you could just look -just once-
I may be able to survive.

Breeze

(06.19.09)
I don't believe
That I am so,
A person stretched between
Who she is
(and) Who is she?
And tell me (please)
What you think I am.
I pray you're wrong.
I hope I'm right.
I wonder if you'd bless me,
Carry me up shining hills.
(Tell me who I am)

detrás de mí

(06.07.09)
I don't feel much of you
anymore.
Like a hidden tragedy
Kept locked away
Until guests arrive and I need
Something to show.

Await

(05.28.09)
I feel restless again
And I wonder when you’ll come to me.
I wait for you in dreams,
In waking,
In the chilly night air.
Alone, I wait.
I don’t know why
Or what
Or how
Or when,
Only will and I only hope
I hope for something tangible and indescribable.
A conundrum for a dreamer.

Love Only

(05.27.09)
You collapse into me.
I believe in it.
Suddenly,
A glimpse,
A spark,
A sort of torrid downpour
And I believe we’d dance
Inside a blanket of rain.
And, I believe you
Would come to me,
Awaken all the senses
That I’m sure
Are tired of being dormant.
Oh, I am sure
That you would
Take me into yours
And lay a million
Thriving flowers at my feet
And then sing to me
A song so rich
I feel I could
Burst at the seams
Of a life
I wish to give you.
Oh, I’m sure you’d
Collapse into me
And bring me to you,
Because I believe
There is no other way.

Messy Daisy

(05.01.09)
I wonder if you know,
If you know I fall inside
your words
and they box me up so tight
and they comfort me in dreams
and sometimes I swear
you've set upon my life
a script for me to read,
because you know the lyrics
to my background
better than I know
the words I myself do sing.

Howl

(04.27.09)
Tonight I bring myself to restlessness,
Awake until my bones beg for comfort.
Its these nights I've come to fear.
An un-rested spirit has an open soul
And the night is a blank board
To pin my thoughts upon.
I'm near certainty
in that i believe I always find
Myself this way.
I'm a pinprick in my own design,
Unread, untouched, and restless
To be heard.
And, I don't know what brings me to myself
When the only light I feel
Is from another's lamp,
But my heart is a restless annoyance tonight.
So, I find I count the stars
And label each with misery
And call them friends,
Because that restless desire has set in
And no one else will do.

Black Cat

(04.04.09)
When you dream
it feels so right.
Its like a wondering child
who imagines his bed
and never thinks
of the creaks
and the cracks
or the dripping faucet
which keeps him awake
and brings out the monsters,
and he never manages
to sleep
as well as he wanted,
as well as he dreamed.

You faded so fast, i wondered if you were ever really there.

(04.28.09)
What's the point of madness
so deep,
so cunning,
so beautiful?
The doves came out to play
and that song ran through my head.
It was saying,
"Enough will never be enough,"
so why try so hard
to get it all in
before the end of the road
comes upon us.
And, oh,
it's quicker than we know.

Heartbreak of a Pilgrim

(05.06.09)
I've tried to believe in you for so long,
tried to hold on -so tight-
to a faith I find heart-breakingly intangible.
And, I wonder so often if its me,
specifically,
who is numb, or if
you're just not speaking to me?
I think about you constantly,
wonder when you'll come my way
and I look for you in images of those I love,
yet only flickers remain.
I suppose its possible
they're only in my mind.
I've always wished I could see you,
wished my heart would split open
and rip to shreds
over a love I can't even imagine,
but I find,
instead,
I am alone
and no one cradles me at night.

I Must Say

(04.26.09)
I will walk to your funeral
In my nicest dress,
Carrying the prettiest flowers
You’d never pick for me.
I will begin to count my blessings
One by one
And when I'm done
I will count on you no more.
It seems as though
I lost myself
In the way you used to toss me around
And I was always nowhere
To be found among the messes that you made.
Always waking to your screams
Of a nightmare you never lived
And I can no longer count myself
Accountable for the pain I did not bring myself.
I will skip the steps
You made me miss
And I will begin to ascend
To a greater height
Of a magnitude you'd never dream.
And I will hold my own hand
As I look down upon the place
That's now so far from me
And I will press them to my heart,
Because only I look out for me.
And in my time
I will find a heart to press unto,
But though my heart has not found that heart,
It no longer beats for you.