Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
I wonder what it's like to run away, so far away that you lose yourself entirely. Is there any place in the world so empty you wouldn't even fit inside? I'd like to go there if I could. Oh, if I could leave it all behind (including every inch of me I'd like to lose) I think I could find some semblance of me (some purer form than I could be) that isn't here.
I'd like to be remade. I'd like to die and be reborn - received - reconstituted - rehashed - released into the world. All new; shiny and clean and made for everything thrown into my hands. Could we live another life? If given the opportunity (let's be honest) who wouldn't want a second chance?
I find I am always with a scream at the back of my throat - weighing on all the words I'll never say. It wraps itself inside my body - so close to all my many parts I am nearly sure I'd die without. What if I let it loose? Would I cease to exist without that scream anchoring me to this earth? Sometimes I believe it is the only part of my humanity I have left.
I see people and I freeze. I no longer am present inside of myself. I think that's where the scream began. My last attempt to exist in a world that has no need for me. But, I hold it back and I hold it in. No one else needs to know what I keep inside.
I don’t mean to be so dramatic. I don’t even want anyone to know where it is my mind has gone with all its flights away from me. I really just wish someone could catch it. Mid-air…I’d like to see it grabbed out of that sky and given back to me and kept inside for good. For once.
Its just that there’s this empty spot inside of me that you created and that I’ve tried some days to ignore and others to pack it so tightly with things and people and feelings and places that don’t really matter and even other days I find myself lying in that void, absorbing all the nothingness of something that had once been everything.
I don’t want you and your impact on me to be the only thing I know. I don’t want that false love to be the only love I understand. I’d like to feel it and hold it just once. I desperately just want to know that love can be good.
I don’t understand the hurt that people bring to each other and to themselves. I don’t understand the need to bring other people down or to establish one as better than the others. I mean, in all honesty, we’re all the same.
Despite hair color, eye color, financial situation, body type, religious beliefs, political standing, education level, health, and a million other things about ourselves we like to think set us apart from everyone else, we’re all the same. We all need the same basic things. One day we’re all going to die. It doesn’t matter what made you unique. We all will encounter the same end.
So, no, I don’t understand. We’re all in this together. We should make it easier for each other. We should love freely, give freely, dole out compassion, empathy, sympathy, hope, prayer, love, dreams, money, food, hugs, etc. I don’t get the selfishness of people. I don’t know if I ever will.
So, yes. I want love. I want to give it away. I want someone to give it to me. I want to take that hole you carved inside of me and fill it with the most freely given, passionate, caring, hopeful, faithful love I could ever imagine. Because of you, I am selfish and needy for that. I don’t think I could ever settle for less again.
I hold out for it now. I don’t need to waste my time. Maybe it will be tomorrow. Maybe it will be when I’m sixty-five. I want the world to know it doesn’t matter when it happens, just that I hope it does.
lost at sea, drift to me.
Stressed.
Frustrated.
Angry.
Hopeless.
Annoyed.
I'm also happy. I'm content. I'm excited.
Loved.
Filled with awe.
Inspired.
It's such a balancing act. We teeter and we totter and we never know where we'll end up, just that it's always changing, everyday.
Gotta learn to roll with it.